Life in Nigeria

Chronicles of a Car less lagosian.

The heading is not wrong, I really meant car less and not careless. Soooo hey YOU, you know I am referring to YOU. I hope YOU had a great week and will have an even greater weekend??? I trust YOU to make the weekend great.

I am sure you know by now YOU know but for the purpose of others that aren’t aware, I was born and bred in Lagos, Nigeria. I currently still work and live in Lagos and transiting from home *Mainland* to work *Island* ain’t that pretty but it sure has its pecks. I can spend the time in the bus reading, sleeping, brain-storming, just staring out the window lost in thought, listening to music and trying  not to sing along because that usually sounds awful or laughing so hard it hurts at the actions of fellow commuters, drivers and the bus conductors. Ooooh Yes, I would totally love to own a car sooner rather than later but until then, I am going to enjoy my bus chronicles while it lasts because nothing lasts forever. Here are some of my memorable public bus experiences solely for your reading pleasure.Enjoy.

  • You know how crazy it is on Monday mornings, you will have to push for buses at the risk of getting your phones or wallet stolen if you are a novice in Lagos, wake up earlier than usual, experience inevitable traffic congestion and even pedestrian walkway congestion. I decided to start taking the BRT (Bus Rapid Transit) on Mondays and opt to stand if the sitting queues were endless so as to get to work early enough. This particular Monday, I was on the standing queue; bus arrives, I pay the exact fare   *no strength to start waiting for change*, entered the bus and found the most comfortable place to stand, more people get in and I am flanked on all sides but I barely pay attention and concentrate on my phone *yeah, I can stand and still be on my phone*. We reach a bend and the bus jolts forward; automatically the standers bump into each other, apologies were murmured and every one adjusts to their initial positions. I concentrate on my phone and then I feel this radiating heat from a fellow human which meant the individual was standing too close, I look back and see it is a guy, I adjust my position and try to move as far away as possible from him. Few minutes pass and then in my lower region, I feel something hard rubbing against me, I look back and Alas!!! I am greeted with a healthy male eeermm member in the southern region of his body *how shocking and embarrassing for me* and dude just looked ahead as if the member wasn’t his.

This is the point where you expect me to slap him, take off my earrings and claw at his face but thankfully, a fellow commuter sitting alighted and I bolted to her sit. Did I still stand in a BRT after that morning surprise? You bet I did but thank goodness that experience was a one time thing *I have changed my route*

  • I was in a yellow bus popularly known as danfo on a sunny afternoon,windows were open, flow of traffic was slow and then traffic began to ease as suddenly as it had built earlier. There was a lady sitting behind me and her long mane of peruvian hair which was initially stuck to her face started flowing back and forth due to the now free vehicular movement and it’s accompanying light breeze, there was a dude sitting beside her and he quietly tells her and I quote:

Dude: Madam, please manage your hair, it is disturbing me.

Madam: completely ignores him and faces the window.

Dude: Madam, madam. Conductor please tell this woman to manage her hair,it is disturbing me.

Conductor: Madam, abeg *please* pack your hair now

Madam: Why should I pack my hair? what is his business if I don’t pack it? It is a lie, the hair is not disturbing him.

Dude: Can’t you see the hair is entering my mouth, Madam if my village people sent you to me, tell them you did not see me o.

Madam: You are a mad man, It is your mother that is a witch.

Dude: Did I call you a witch? guilty conscience. You are a witch. See your satanic hair from your coven.

Madam: *her fingers are adorned with rings and she angrily points one adorned finger to him* yelling all sorts of profanities.

Dude: Holy Ghost fire, Blood of Jesus. See her evil ring o, I rebuke you in the Name of Jesus.

Madam: Wizard, your mother initiated you, leave me alone. Jesus, Jesus, I cover myself in the Blood of Jesus.

I mean how did they get so spiritual in seconds? talk about from zero to hundred real quick. Thankfully, all they had was the verbal confrontation and no blows were exchanged.

  • It was a long day at work and you could easily tell every commuter just wanted to get home and get some rest before another hectic day. Commuters were dozing, enjoying the view, busy on their phones, talking and then this man starts preaching*I have no problem with that* or rather screaming, causing angry stares and sighs directed at him and then he increased the tempo and started making some major blunders and mixing up the entire Bible. I began to wonder if it was the same Christianity we practiced; All of you committing masubashon *masturbation*, When Daniel *uhn* and Golayas *Goliath* met….., Jesus cry*christ*. I just plugged in my earpiece and let my mind wander far away.
  • This young love birds were just chit-chatting, oblivious of the world around them and reminiscing about the movie they had just seen, then the young lass asks the guy and I quote:

Young Lass: Who is this Shonda Rhimes that everyone has been raving about.

Young Lad: *with a serious and confident expression* I  think HE is a very renowned rapper or something.

Me: *tried but failed to conceal laughter and got a few stares from the couple and other commuters and then I had to pretend it was something from my phone that had cracked me up*

Please tell me YOU know who Shonda Rhimes is. Anyways, she is the strong, proud, black sensational Executive Producer of the popular Fox series Scandal and How to get away with Murder.

  • It had been a smooth ride so far, we were getting closer to the last bus-stop and then this commuter*a guy* suddenly jolts up and I quote:

Commuter: Conductor, where is my change.

Conductor: *In broken english*Oga I don give you your change o

Commuter: Are you crazy? who have you given change? don’t annoy me this morning, look at my face, do I look like a small person? Give me my change before I descend on you.

Conductor: Oga no dey disturb me jhoor, I don give you your change.

Commuter: So are you saying I am lying? Ok no problem. *He keeps quiet for a few seconds then jolts up again saying* I serve a living God and he will judge this matter, It shall never be well with you conductor, It shall never be well with you.

Conductor: You can say anything you like. I don give you your change. If I don give you, all those curse go return to your head.

Commuter: It shall never be well with you conductor, It shall never be well with you. *then he starts to speak in unknown tongues* and says Thank You Jesus.

Me: How dare you call the name of the Lord in vain and even speak in tongues and say thank you Jesus like you just received a revelation. All these I said in my mind*lol*, I can not be the victim of a bitter man’s wrath please.

  • It was a Friday evening and everyone was eager to get in a bus and head home for the weekend, I boarded the bus and ensured I sat in my preferred sitting position. The bus conductor collected the bus fare and distributed change. We were ascending the Third Mainland Bridge when like a scene from a movie, the woman/victim sitting beside the conductor starts slapping and raining blows on him.

Victim: Idiot, he has been running his hand over my thighs, I have been observing him since.

Conductor: Me? touch old woman like you. Me

Commuter 1: I thought the conductor was her son

Commuter 2: I thought the conductor was having a seizure

Victim: Can you imagine this small rat touching my thighs, as old as I am and with the way I am dressed. If you talk, I will slap you again.

Commuter 3: Madam are you sure he was doing it on purpose? Why didn’t you grab his hand? This guy looks innocent and he didn’t try to hit you back like most conductors will do.

Victim: I am a woman of integrity, I am sure of what I am saying. This guy was touching me. I am not a kid now, I know what I am saying.

Commuter 4: Are you sure he was touching your thighs or he wanted to steal something from your bag.

Commuter 5: No, I think what she is trying to say is that the conductor was smooching her.

Victim: I am not apologizing to him, God will judge whoever is lying.

Victim then alights at her bus-stop and immediately quietness descended on the bus as suddenly as pandemonium broke only minutes earlier.

Only in Lagos will you blink and miss out, traffic appear and disappear sporadically, human parts and belongings disappear mysteriously and what nots. If you are not a Lagosian but intend to reside or visit Lagos, believe me when I say public buses are laughing centers provided you aren’t the victim, aren’t apprehended by the police, involved in an accident, robbed on the highway, develop a mechanical fault in the middle of the night and other cruelties.

With love from a born and bred car-less Lagosian.

I hope YOU have enjoyed this post and had a good laugh? Please don’t forget to like, spread the word, comment etc. Have a fabulous weekend. xoxoxo.

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10 thoughts on “Chronicles of a Car less lagosian.

  1. My dear, to cross road in Lagos is a special prayer point o, the best thing is to use the pedestrian bridge or cross in groups n fix yourself in the middle of the group. Like some say, Lagos is not for the weak hearted.Awwww!!! lagos and we lagosians miss you too. I’m glad you enjoyed this piece and it cracked you up. Thank YOU soooo much for taking time out to read and comment. Thank YOU also for spreading the word. YOU Rock.

    Like

  2. Picture someone *me* that can not successfully cross the expressway/major road in these situations!! Lagos has shown me pepper! I miss it tho! Beautiful piece as always, I am laughing like a mad person!

    Like

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